Author Topic: brothers to the end  (Read 3139 times)

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CMD TAN

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brothers to the end
« on: February 01, 2012, 07:55:14 PM »
Acclamator cruiser " Fire sale "
I sat in my quarters. It had been three days since the battle of Geonosis.
"Now hear this, all galactic marine attachments report to launch bay" the intercom said.

My squadmate Rusty stood up along with Sarge. Without a word we reported to the launch bay were the other troops were lined up in gleaming roes of white armor.
"Ok clones" said general Tal, thd jedi in charge said " we are to clear out a droid garrison on this planet. This should be an easy mission so we should finish up in one planetary day." He said pointing at the blue green sphere that was the planet.

If only he new what awaited us on that planet.
_
Chapter 1: 3 Days after the battle of geonosis
Planet Azura Equanix System.
There was a click as the the dropship detached from the acclamatior. The engines suddenly roared to life .
"Ok gentlemen we have the sky,all drop ships form up behind me" Tal's voice cackled through the speakers in the dropship. Three clones out of the 12 stood out in the darkened troop bay.
"Ok sigma" said Sarge, leader of the four commandos known as Sigma " I want Janks to cover the rear of the drop ship when we unload,
Boomer and Jinx follow me" he yelled over the roar of the engines.
The three commandos nodded in unison.
There was a horrid screeching sound as the ship entered the atmosphere. The troop bay heated up intensely. There was a sudden womp and the drop ship rocked back and forth.
"Fierfek, the flankers have clack turrets set I'm going to see if I can take her down" the pilot yelled. The commandos put on their helmets. 
"This is going to be fun" Boomer said echoing his pod brother Sev.
There was an audible thump as the drop ship landed. Janks readied his DC-15 for sniper duty. The troop bay door opened to reveal a lush jungle and a hale of blaster fire.Janks was out first taking up a sniper position. The rest of the commandos ran for a large rock and started to return fire. Within minutes the firefight was over and the landing zone was secure.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2012, 08:28:21 PM by CMD TAN »
When all you know is gone then you will truly have a reason to live." Rawandan genocide survivor

Drake Vhett

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Re: brothers to the end
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2012, 08:49:36 PM »


Drake is flamboyant, and may go over the top, but if he were not that extrovert then who would move things along?

RC-1499

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Re: brothers to the end
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2012, 02:03:44 AM »
Here are a few tips.

1. I'd suggest not writing in first person

2.Sensory details are your friend. The sentence "Now hear this, all galactic marine attachments report to launch bay" the intercom said. could be improved by saying
"Now hear this!" the voice over the intercom barked "All marine attachments, report to Launch bay 3 on the double!" The intercom stopped with a click.

3.This is a good start, but you missing some things.
1.Who are these people?
2.Whats going on?
3.Where are we?
4.When are we?

Take this as you will.


CMD TAN

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Re: brothers to the end
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2012, 03:27:48 PM »
This is my first fan fiction so thanks for the tips
When all you know is gone then you will truly have a reason to live." Rawandan genocide survivor