Author Topic: War Stories  (Read 4213 times)

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Commander Dimal

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War Stories
« on: April 14, 2012, 09:48:50 PM »
I'm new here, but I've been checking out this site for a while and have become well acquainted with it. I forgot about this website for a while and have just now rediscovered it. This is my Star Wars fan-fiction story. It has two parts, starting in the Clone Wars and picking up again in 300 A.B.Y. It will follow many different characters and the battles they fight in.

This is so far a rough draft and overview about what the story will be about. I need some ideas for how to start it, ideas and suggestions from you guys would help. I want to know what your opinions on it are so far. After the overview I will start writing the story. The people in it participated in more battles in the Clone Wars than just the Kronos Campaign by the way.

EDIT: I have now fixed all the things that Drake has mentioned so just disregard the next two messages if you want to.

[spoiler]This is all stuff that’s part of my Star Wars story. Some stuff may be subject to change.
The story I've come up with is long and complicated. It starts in the Clone Wars and begins again in about 300 A.B.Y. To start off, there are four characters encountered first. These four characters are four Mandalorian teachers in the Cuy'val Dar. They each have a codename or callsign and they are: Alpha Elite, Beta Elite, Cetus Elite, and Delta Elite. I'll start out by explaining the origins of these four characters.

Alpha Elite- I have not thought of a name for him, so I need help to come up with one. Originally he was a slave boy to a Hutt crime lord and had no parents. The Hutt crime lord who controlled him treated him like dirt and made his life hell. Slowly but surely, Alpha Elite started to plan his revenge on the Hutt. One day when he served the Hutt his drink and after he drank it, he suddenly fell over and died. Little had the Hutt known, Alpha Elite had put enough poison to kill a Hutt in that drink. Some of the people in the Hutt's entourage realized this and attacked the boy. Alpha Elite picked up a weapon on the ground and fought off and killed them. Then a Mandalorian appeared and tells him that he was watching the whole fight and was impressed. He asks the boy if he would like to come with him to Mandalore and train to be a Mandalorian warrior. Alpha Elite agrees immediately because he had seen Mandalorians in the Hutt's palace and had always dreamed of becoming one. After years of training him, Alpha Elite's dream comes true and he fights in the Mandalorian Civil War against Death Watch. He eventually becomes friends with Dahcik Starkiller, who is Delta Elite and becomes part of the Cuy'val Dar. I imagine Alpha Elite being the Mandalorian version of Mace Windu, as in they have a similar appearance. Also by coincidence he ended up being a lot like Emile from Halo: Reach. He is a badass like him and favored a shotgun. Alpha Elite specialized in close-quarter combat and was not very skilled in long range combat.

Beta and Cetus Elite- I put these two together because they are identical twin sisters and for the sake of space. I don't have names for these two either so I need some ideas. Beta and Cetus Elite were the daughters of a Journeyman Protector, but then one day he and his wife were killed by a member of Death Watch. They were taken in by the True Mandalorians and fought against Death Watch in the Mandalorian Civil War and later became part of the Cuy'val Dar.

Delta Elite- His name is Dachik Starkiller and he is probably the most badass Mandalorian you'll know. Dachik is possibly a distant descendant of Bendak Starkiller. He was orphaned at a young age and was living on the streets of the city he lived in. He had a very aggressive personality at that time and was constantly tempted to do bad things and everyday was so angry at how terrible his life was. Then one day the city was attacked by Death Watch. Seeing a way off the planet and away from his terrible life, he asked Death Watch to take him with them and they did; it was a decision he would regret. They trained him in the art of war and how to use weapons.

One day when he was a teenager he witnessed from afar the Death Watch attack on the farm of Jango Fett's family. He saw them shoot Jango's mother and kill his father. Dachik began to have doubts about whether he was on the right side, witnessing their cruelty, and felt bad when they captured Jango’s sister Arla Fett. From that day Dachik began to become more and more aggressive. He did many terrible things along with the other Death Watch members, such as: killing woman and children, massacring hundreds alongside his fellow Death Watch, and many other brutal and haunting things. It turns out that Dachik was actually the Death Watch member who had killed Beta and Cetus Elite's parents and from that day on they hated him. He once made the mistake of facing Kal Skirata in battle who with his vibro-blade gave Dachik the scar across his face that would became one of his signature traits, but this is not Dachik's only battle scar.

It all changed when one day he met a Mandalorian woman who was on the side of the True Mandalorians. She had a conversation with him after defeating him in battle and left him on the ground to die. Dahcik began to wonder if maybe the Death Watch cause was the wrong one. The True Mandalorians then found him took him to the base of the True Mandalorians to be interrogated and executed. After being beaten and tortured, Dahcik said that he didn’t want to be a part of Death Watch anymore and wanted to leave. He gave them information about the Death Watch and in return, instead of killing him they left him on a jungle planet where they expected him to die in the wilderness. But they didn’t expect him to survive and make it off the planet. He met back up with the Mandalorian woman he had met after the Mandalorian Civil War ended and they became friends, she being the only person who understood him when many others feared him. I haven't thought of a name for her so please help.

Then one day she is killed by a cyborg Mandalorian conqueror, the self proclaimed Mandalore the Destroyer, a dark and tragic remnant of the Mandalorian Civil War, who later joins the CIS in the Clone Wars, and who has a personal vendetta against Dahcik. After she dies, Dahcik promises to himself to always remember the way she helped him to escape his fate and to get revenge against Mandalore the Destroyer. He joins the Cuy'val Dar and helps to train the clones. Many of the True Mandalorians that Dachik had fought against were also in the Cuy'val Dar and they were at first against letting him join and were surprised at how he’d survived being dumped in the wilderness. But Jango Fett and a few others let him join, seeing how useful he might be in training the clones. He became friends with Alpha Elite who was equally skilled and cunning like Dachik. Beta and Cetus Elite were in the Cuy'val Dar as well and hated him, but Dachik felt bad for what he did and made a secret vow to protect the young twins from harm. Over the course of the time he trained the clones, he did many things to try to redeem himself. He started to develop a sense of compassion towards those he cared about and the clones he trained.

Dachik helped in training the clone commandos and very slightly in training the Arc troopers. Since he was not as involved in the training and was not as informed with classified information, he was allowed to leave Kamino, but only very rarely and he was not permitted to go to a civilized system during the training. On one backwater planet he met a Kaminoan who had been born a runt and had green eyes and had a shorter neck than a regular Kaminoan. His name was Ardaan Sai, a relative of Ko Sai, who he despised and who had mistreated and abused him as a child. He had somehow escaped termination for his “genetic impurity” and had hid on that planet. Dahcik decided to take Ardaan with him and train him as a Mandalorian. As a result of not being raised of Kamino, Ardaan had developed a distinctly different personality from Kaminoans and began to see himself as a Mandalorian after Dachik had trained him. I imagine his personality being kind of like Sunny's from I Robot. Ardaan Sai went to great lengths to hide his Kaminoan heritage and even lied that he was Rattataki and was somehow able to change his eye color so none of the Kaminoans would notice. Ardaan was allowed more freedom and could freely leave Kamino while Dachik rarely could. He brought Dachik news of the outside world and specialized in technology. Dahcik and Ardaan were eventually accepted by the other Mandalorians of the Cuy’val Dur, though they did not know Ardaan was a Kaminoan. Dachik, the clones he trained, and a few others who he befriended were the only ones who knew Ardaan was a Kaminoan.

Dachik kept his Death Watch past a secret from the clones he trained, even Alpha Squad. But one day during the Clone Wars the truth came out when he was visiting the Coruscant  Prison and was attacked by Arla Fett in the cafeteria of the mental institute and she called him a "Death Watch monster" and he had to explain to Alpha Squad what that meant. Also Dachik had helped in training Alpha Squad and became their mentor and unofficial adviser. Dahcik is an aggressive, cunning, and brutal type character, but he can still show compassion and caring. Dachik was known for doing things in a nonchalant and often rude manner. He kind of looks like Tyber Zann, but has black hair instead of white and was huge compared to most other humans.. He was skilled in using many different weapons, but most often used a heavy blaster pistol. Most weapons were too small for him because of his large size.

The SOC Units, (Special Operations Clones) received special conditioning that made them slightly stronger and faster than regular clone troopers. When the SOC Units were at their original four hundred clones, they were sent to fight in a planetary system called the Kronos System in a mission called the Kronos Campaign. The commander of the droid forces there was the cyborg, self proclaimed, Mandalore the Destroyer, who was mentioned earlier. The Republic was for the most part unaware of the battles going on in the Kronos System. The Republic only sent one Jedi to the Kronos System, Jedi Master Baron Naris. He was unlike any other Jedi, both in skill and personality. He was also skilled in using guns, having learned it on his homeplanet before he became a Jedi.

He was assigned to lead an eight-man squad of SOC Units, made up of SOC-375 Commander Dimal, SOC-374 Commander Bodni, SOC-377 Captain Gatro, SOC-333 Lieutenant Sage (a.k.a Ven'vul), SOC-241 Sergeant Frag (a.k.a Flare), SOC-157 Captain Roc, SOC-66 Sergeant Stach (a.k.a Fierfek), (need help coming up with the eighth, and along with the rouge Mandalorian Kaminoan runt Ardaan Sai, the four Mandalorian trainers: the brown skinned Mandalorian, the female twins, and Dahcik Starkiller.

About the SOC Units aka, Special Operations Clones:  They were picked out from regular clones that had shown exceptional skills in combat and were given special commando training. There were originally 400, divided into four classes. Each class was trained by one of four Mandalorian teachers. Alpha Elite, the two female twins (need a name for them), who go by Beta and Cetus Elite, and Dahcik (pronounced Day-zhick, can also be spelled as Dachik) Starkiller, who's codename is Delta Elite. The way their codenames were used was actually more like a callsign than a codename. For Beta and Cetus I did not use Bravo and Charlie because I didn’t think it would sound like something you’d hear in Star Wars. The callsigns go by the Greek letters, except for Cetus, who gets hers from Ord Cestus, the homeplanet of the twins, but with the first”s” removed.

Groups

Class A-Units 1-100, Intelligence and Stealth, Trained by Alpha Elite

Class B-Units 101-200, Battlefield Ops and Marksmen, Trained by Beta Elite

Class C-Units 201-300, Explosives and Demolitions, Trained by Cetus Elite

Class D-Units 301-400, Assassination and Special Ops, Trained by Delta Elite

Known Units:
SOC 375-Commander Dimal
SOC 374-Commander Bodni
SOC 377-Captain Gatro
SOC 333-Lieutenant Sage/Ven'vul
SOC 241 Sergeant Frag/Flare
SOC 157 Captain Roc
SOC 66 Sergeant Stach/Fierfek (Mando Merc, a friend of mine, helped think of the name for this one)
I need help coming up with the name of the eighth.

In the Kronos System they went from planet to planet, fighting the advanced battle droid armies of Mandalore the Destroyer, leaving behind a trail of destruction in their wake. They visited Yiddle a swamp planet, Khen' Var a snow planet, Teranos a Felucia-like planet where it was always dark, Celdor a mostly ocean planet, Natwala a planet of dense forests, Seluria a lava planet, Crathor a desert planet and Jedi Master Baron Naris' homeplanet, he being a Crath, a species that appeared human in every way but lived for centuries.

Throughout the battles they, had many horrifying and mentally scarring experiences, their deeds included: fighting against the centipede droids in the horrifying darkness of Teranos and destroying them, fighting on the hellish swamps of Yiddle and freeing the Yiddians, stopping production of the B-4 Mega battle droids and destroying their factories on Crathor where they fought with the Desert Clone troopers of the 39th Desert Corps and their Commander Sandstorm and Captain Shockwave.

Throughout the battles, they continually searched for and traced the whereabouts of Mandalore the Destroyer, who was responsible for killing Baron Naris' padawan: the attractive female Twilek Lani Sori and the Jedi Drelia Mirr, who he had loved. He had taken the life of someone dear to every member of their company, he had also killed Dahcik's friend many years ago. Because of his destructive nature and the trail of devastation he left everywhere he went, the clones that fought in the Kronos system simply referred to him as, “The Destroyer”.

The cyborg body of The Destroyer was a huge, white, droid-like body that towered at almost three meters tall and had a helmet with a “T” shaped visor like most other Mandalorian armor. He was a master of many weapons and his cyborg body also had many built in weapons. This, along with his heavily armored body, essentially made him a walking tank. Whenever he was being slowed down or needed to fight in close combat, he could eject from his large cyborg body and fight with his much smaller, but real cyborg body, it having built-in vibro-blades, but no built-in guns, so he had to find one to use. The Destroyer reported directly to General Grievous and was one of his most favored subordinates; both of them being cyborgs, but warriors at heart.

They picked up the trail from the droid bodyguard of a Skakoan scientist, Ardrick Melaan, who had saved Mandalore the Destroyer's life and made him the cyborg that he is. The droid body guard was named C1-D4 "Arctus" (Conqueror- 1/Destroyer- 4 War droid) built by Ardrick himself and being similar to HK-47 in personally, but more refined. Ardrick Melaan expressed interest to them to join their cause and help them after he had a falling out with the rest of the Separatist council and the Techno Union, and after his own group, The Manufacturing Syndicate, was disbanded.

The trail led them to the ice planet Groth, where Mandalore the Destroyer was using Ardrick's old lab as his secret base. Ardrick gave them information on a secret tunnel to get into his old lab while the main force of SOC Units would attack on the outside. The entire force of SOC Units on the outside was killed, but they were able to buy their company enough time to get into the lab before Mandalore the Destroyer could detonate an explosive device. Once inside, they battled him, he however proved to be too much of a match for them, but Ardrick activated a kill switch in his cyborg body, which majorly disabled him, but he manages to get away to an escape ship along with some experimental equipment and blueprints.

After the battle, they bury all the dead SOC Units on Groth and make a memorial there, and give all the weapons and armor to Ardrick for study and salvaging of parts. There are now only eight SOC Units left. Ardrick then becomes a great asset to them; they would go and visit him for resupply, weapon upgrades, new gear, and all sort of good stuff. They would keep his location a secret because technically he was wanted by the Republic for his role that he had in the CIS. He said that he would try to find a way to stop the accelerated aging of the clone members of their company, even though he said his specialty was cybernetics and robotics. For some strange reason, they kept this a secret from Kal Skirata, who would have defiantly wanted to know in order to stop the accelerated aging of the Null-class Arc troopers.

The SOC Units were then disbanded and  Dimal, Bodni, Gatro, Roc, and the eighth SOC Unit go back to being clone troopers, but eventually become clone commandos. Sage, Frag, and Stach change their names to Ven'vul, Flare, and Fierfek and would go back to being clone troopers as well, but with more skill and independent thought. They are eventually put into Alpha Squad and continue to serve in the Clone Wars and track down Mandalore the Destroyer. Alpha Squad is then integrated into the Special Operations Brigade, just as the SOC Units had been. Three other clones join Alpha Squad: Arc troopers Jai (Alpha-59), and Razor (Alpha-18), and a clone commando known as Magnum. Later Magnum is killed in action and is replaced by an Arc trooper sharp shooter known as Alpha 7, later Wraith. After the formation of Alpha Squad, they participate in many other battles in the Clone Wars, during which Dimal, Bodni, Gatro, Roc, and the eighth former SOC Unit would often assist them, though the eighth would die sometime during the many other battles they fight. Aside from the Kronos Campaign and Alpha Squad missions, there was a lot more things that happened in the Clone Wars part of the story. That part will be the bulk of the story and I need ideas for more to add to it.

At the end of the Clone Wars Kal Skirata goes to Dahcik and offers to help them flee to Mandalore, seeing how he has changed. Dahcik thanks him but says that they would not fit in on Mandalore because they would never be able to understand many of the Mandalorian values and ways of life because they had changed too much and have become distant because of the experiences in the war. Kal says farewell and tells him of his mission to stop the accelerated aging. Kal then says that they'll keep in touch, and Dahcik tells him that he and his company, in the mean time: they have places to go, things to do, and people to kill.

They flee to Groth where Ardrick tells them that the cure for the accelerated aging will take a while to find and tells them that in order for them to receive the cure in time, they will have to be cryogenically frozen. Jai, Razor, Wraith, Flare, Fierfek, Ven'vul (if those three are still alive), Dimal, Bodni, Gatro,  and Roc all say their farewells and go into the tubes, (I may need to kill off a few more of them. That seems like too many survivors.) Ardrick leaves Arctus to watch over the tubes and his lab. Jedi Master Baron Naris says farewell to his friend Dahcik and departs to places unknown, not telling anyone of his activities, one of them was secretly looking for his long lost brother, who he was separated from in a sandstorm on his homeplanet. Throughout the Clone Wars part of the story, the clone characters had grown fond of Baron Naris and see him as more than just a Jedi and he becomes a great friend to them.

Ardaan Sai says that he wants to travel with Dahcik because Dahcik is the only person he has ever had a bond with, seeing him as a father, being thankful to Dahcik for finding and training him as a Mandalorian, which gave him a future. Ardaan Sai is also a scientist type; he had stolen some of Ko Sai's vital information before leaving Kamino and is also helping in the search for a cure while traveling with Dahcik and Dahcik adopts him as his son. Ardaan would often help in Ardrick’s search for the cure. The two female twins, having originally hated Dahcik for killing their parents when he was in Death Watch finally forgive him. Dahcik having grown fond of them adopts them as his daughters. (I need names for them, ideas please). Alpha Elite, the Mandalorian version of Mace Windu also decides to travel with Dahcik, his best friend, (need a name for him too, ideas please). Ardaan Sai, Dahcik, the twins and, Alpha Elite become bounty hunters in the time of the Empire and searched for information for a cure and the whereabouts of their enemies, and often visited Ardrick for a number of reasons.

From time to time the clones would be let out of the tubes and would join the others on their hunts. Eventually the others decided to go in the cryogenic tubes with the clones and stayed in there until 300 A.B.Y. When they finally get out of the pods, that's when the second part of the story begins. They are thrown into a strange future, further than they meant to go, and into a galaxy they now know little about…..
[/spoiler]
« Last Edit: April 26, 2012, 07:04:11 PM by Commander Dimal »
*Text in my profile picture*

Durge: "You know, it's been over a century since I killed a Jedi… and today, I'll get to kill four of you. Add that to the Gungans I already murdered, the hostages I'm going to kill later, and all the Naboo who will die tomorrow, and it's a damn good week."

Drake Vhett

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Re: Special Operations Clones
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2012, 11:04:12 PM »
The best way to introduce yourself is to post here.

They each have a codename and they are: Alpha Elite, Beta Elite, Cetus Elite, and Delta Elite.

Why do they have code-names? Code-names tend to be reserved for high-level intelligence sources. Say you have an analyst in the SVR(Russian Foreign Intelligence) who gives high-level intelligence on SVR plants in the US. Since that source needs to be protected from discovery, he/she might be code-named TASKMAKER. TASKMAKER is a randomly generated code-name with no connection to the actual person. Code-names for multiple, related, persons are not similar in content. Connecting TASKMAKER, TASKMASTER, and TASKGIVER is a lot easier that connecting TASKMAKER, GREENEYE, and WALKER. This is different from a callsign. A callsign is essentially a military nick-name used to prevent the soldier/unit from being confused, recognized, etc. A pilot might be Gunfighter 2-1, or a Special Forces soldier might be Snake Doctor. Either way, it is a simpler name than Cpt. Hawkins or Sgt. Maj. Blane. It also prevents any mix-ups, as each callsign is unique, while there can be two Sgt. Smith's.

I imagine Alpha Elite being the Mandalorian version of Mace Windu. Also by coincidence he ended up being a lot like Emile from Halo: Reach. He is a badass and favored a shotgun.

Try not to run the risk of making each, or any for that matter, character too strong. If someone is never in a really dangerous situation they can't get out of easily, then the character will be unrealistic. If X never gets hurts in shootouts, then when we see X in a shootout, we don't feel like X is in real danger, and thus there is less of a connection to a character.

Beta and Cetus Elite

Alpha, Beta, and Delta are all Greek letters, but then you throw in Cetus. A constellation. It doesn't really fit. If you want to fit the names in as Greek letter, I'd suggest using Gamma, as it goes Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, etc. If you are looking at NATO phonetics, it is Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta.

One day when he was a teenager he attacked the farm of Jango Fett's family with all the other Death Watch members. Then they told him to shoot Jango's mother. Dachik began to have doubts and hesitated, then they forced him to kill her, and while this was happening Jango and his sister Arla Fett watched in horror.

and

...where he met Jango Fett. Jango remembered the incident where Dachik killed his mother and remembers seeing the look of doubt and regret in his eyes when he did it. Dachik asks for Jango's forgiveness and Jango forgives him.

Seems impossible to me. Killing a kid's parents in front of him is not something anyone forgives, especially not a man like Jango Fett. Fett would have shot him dead, not say "it's okay, you didn't want to do it but caved into peer pressure anyway".

From that day Dachik began to become more and more evil and began to do terrible things, such as killing woman and children, massacring thousands, and many other brutal and disturbing things.

This bit is okay, except the "massacring thousands" part. If he does that, which doesn't seem like a possibility in the Mandalorian Civil War, there is no way he could get off easy from the True Mandalorians.

It turns out that Dachik was actually the Death Watch member who had killed Beta and Cetus Elite's parents and from that day on they hated him.

Nice connection between the main characters.

One time he even faced Kal Skirata in battle who with his vibro-blade gave Dachik the scar over his eye that became one of his signature traits, but this is not Dachik's only battle scar.

I would avoid things like that if I were you. If you mention cannon characters, you have to get their character's exactly right when they are in the story/being talked about. If you say Skirata does X, if it doesn't sound like something he'd do, you loos a lot of points with readers.

But it all ended when one day he meet a Mandalorian woman who was on the side of the True Mandalorians. She had a conversation with him and after a while she was able to convince him to turn away from Death Watch and join the True Mandalorians.

I don't see how. Death Watch Mandalorians by definition are opposed in morals and values to True Mandalorians, and if he really cared at all about the things True Mandalorians do, he would have joined them long ago.

Dachik was then taken to the base of the True Mandalorians...

And how does he not earn a blaster bolt to the head for all of his "crimes"? Defecting doesn't absolve you of your past in this case. Dachik isn't like a Nazi scientist defecting to the US after WWII, it's more like a Nazi scientist trying to defect to Israel. More than likely he dies.

After the Mandalorian Civil War ended Dachik and the Mandalorian woman he meet get married, she being the only person who loved him when many others feared him.

Unsurprising. This is a common "swapped sides" love-interest story arc. I still don't see how this could come about in a True Mandalorian society, if this guy is as bad as you want him to be.

Then one day she is killed by a cyborg Mandalorian conqueror, the self proclaimed Mandalore the Destroyer, a dark remnant of the Mandalorian Civil War, who later joins the CIS in the Clone Wars, and who has a personal vendetta against Dahcik.

Why does he have the vendetta? That definitely needs to be explained.

After she dies, Dahcik promises to himself to always remember the compassion she had taught him and the destroy Mandalore the Destroyer.

Remembering the compassion she taught and his thirst for revenge are so completely at odds it is impossible to vow to do both. A great example was in an episode of Monk, where Adrian Monk turns off the morphine of the dying man who killed his wife, saying "This is me turning off your morphine". Monk then looks down, covers his eyes for a moment, and turns the morphine back on, saying, "And this is Trudy(his wife) turning it back on". Monk chooses to be the moral man his wife loved instead of a torturer she would have hated. The same moral decision must be made by the character at some point, or it must be made for him.

They join the Cuy'val Dar and help to train the clones. Many of the True Mandalorians that Dachik had fought against were also in the Cuy'val Dar and they were afraid of him because of how he had scarred them mentally with his actions in the Mandalorian Civil War.

Remember when I said too strong was bad? This is one of those times. A bad reputation is one thing, but wide-spread mental scarring is completely different. Tone it down.

Despite the debates of them, the reason Dachik was allowed to join the Cuy'val Dar was because Jango let him.

Again, not going to happen realistically.

He became friends with Alpha Elite who was equally badass like Dachik.

If I see badass used as an adjective in this post one more time, I'll scream. "Badass" is not sufficient to describe a person. Use your words.

Beta and Cetus Elite were in the Cuy'val Dar as well and hated him but Dachik felt bad for what he did and made a secret vow to protect the young twins from harm.

I like story arcs like this. It leave open a lot of wiggle room for character development.

Over the course of the time he trained the clones, he did many things to try to redeem himself. He started to develop a sense of compassion towards those he cared about and the clones he trained.

Like damn near every other trainer? All except a few, I remember, were like that. You know, like Dred Priest, the former Death Watch member.

He had even saved a Kaminoan from termination, who was born a runt and had green eyes and was shorter than a regular Kaminoan. The Kaminoan was raised and trained by the Mandalorians and as a result developed a distinctly different personality from Kaminoans and developed a compassion for his Mandalorian brethren who raised him as a son, his name was Ardaan Sai, a relative of Ko Sai, who he despised and who had mistreated and abused him as a child. I imagine his personality being kind of like Sunny's from I Robot.

Not going to happen. Genetic perfection is so vital to Kaminoan culture, to their sustainability even, that they would not allow this. Jango fought for Skirata getting the Alpha ARC's because they were human kids and he knew what Skirata was like. Jango would have no positive attitude toward a Kaminoan, and definitely not the Death Watcher who killed his parents

Dachik kept his Death Watch past a secret from the clones he trained, even Alpha Squad. But one day the truth came out when he was visiting the Coruscant Prison and was attacked by Arla Fett who called him a "Death Watch monster" and had to explain to Alpha Squad what that meant.

Is this during training? If so, remember that they weren't allowed to leave Kamino, so that's not possible. And how would the mentally ill woman get out of her cell and attack him randomly during a vists? Improbable.

Also Dachik had helped in training Alpha Squad and becomes their adviser.

Doubtful that the GAR would let him retain that kinds of role. If he were going into operations or training they might retain him, but they have people who have trained all of their lives for that position. Literally.

Dahcik is a brutal, and disturbed, type of character... but he can still show compassion and caring.

Nice to see some new adjectives. If his role in the story is redemptionary, then the character type might work. Otherwise it is most likely going to fall flat.

I'll comment more later.


Drake is flamboyant, and may go over the top, but if he were not that extrovert then who would move things along?

Commander Dimal

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Re: Special Operations Clones
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2012, 11:56:51 PM »
I hadn't looked at that document in a long time so it might be bad and my writing skills have probably improved since then. Btw, that is some very good constructive criticism. That's the sort of stuff I like to see.

Quote
Why do they have code-names? Code-names tend to be reserved for high-level intelligence sources. Say you have an analyst in the SVR(Russian Foreign Intelligence) who gives high-level intelligence on SVR plants in the US. Since that source needs to be protected from discovery, he/she might be code-named TASKMAKER. TASKMAKER is a randomly generated code-name with no connection to the actual person. Code-names for multiple, related, persons are not similar in content. Connecting TASKMAKER, TASKMASTER, and TASKGIVER is a lot easier that connecting TASKMAKER, GREENEYE, and WALKER. This is different from a callsign. A callsign is essentially a military nick-name used to prevent the soldier/unit from being confused, recognized, etc. A pilot might be Gunfighter 2-1, or a Special Forces soldier might be Snake Doctor. Either way, it is a simpler name than Cpt. Hawkins or Sgt. Maj. Blane. It also prevents any mix-ups, as each callsign is unique, while there can be two Sgt. Smith's.

The way their names are used seems more like callsigns.

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Try not to run the risk of making each, or any for that matter, character too strong. If someone is never in a really dangerous situation they can't get out of easily, then the character will be unrealistic. If X never gets hurts in shootouts, then when we see X in a shootout, we don't feel like X is in real danger, and thus there is less of a connection to a character.

There are parts in the story where people will get injured and where people will die.

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Alpha, Beta, and Delta are all Greek letters, but then you throw in Cetus. A constellation. It doesn't really fit. If you want to fit the names in as Greek letter, I'd suggest using Gamma, as it goes Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, etc. If you are looking at NATO phonetics, it is Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta.

I didn't use Bravo or Charlie because I didn't think they would sound right for something that's Star Wars.

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Seems impossible to me. Killing a kid's parents in front of him is not something anyone forgives, especially not a man like Jango Fett. Fett would have shot him dead, not say "it's okay, you didn't want to do it but caved into peer pressure anyway".


I suck at describing the details of important emotional events. It's something I need to work on. I may just take that part out from the story. It isn't really necessary to make him have a part in Jango's past.

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This bit is okay, except the "massacring thousands" part. If he does that, which doesn't seem like a possibility in the Mandalorian Civil War, there is no way he could get off easy from the True Mandalorians.

He didn't do the said massacring alone. This was when he fought alongside the Death Watch people. Maybe I should change it to hundreds to make it more realistic.

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And how does he not earn a blaster bolt to the head for all of his "crimes"? Defecting doesn't absolve you of your past in this case. Dachik isn't like a Nazi scientist defecting to the US after WWII, it's more like a Nazi scientist trying to defect to Israel. More than likely he dies.

Unsurprising. This is a common "swapped sides" love-interest story arc. I still don't see how this could come about in a True Mandalorian society, if this guy is as bad as you want him to be.

He was taken there as a prisoner where they intended to execute him.

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Why does he have the vendetta? That definitely needs to be explained.

Guess I forgot to put that part in. I'll elaborate more on it later in the story.

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Again, not going to happen realistically.

I'll need to work on that. I'm not very good at describing details for important things like that.

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Not going to happen. Genetic perfection is so vital to Kaminoan culture, to their sustainability even, that they would not allow this. Jango fought for Skirata getting the Alpha ARC's because they were human kids and he knew what Skirata was like. Jango would have no positive attitude toward a Kaminoan, and definitely not the Death Watcher who killed his parents

They lied about his species. They said that he was a Rattataki.

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Is this during training? If so, remember that they weren't allowed to leave Kamino, so that's not possible. And how would the mentally ill woman get out of her cell and attack him randomly during a vists? Improbable.

It was after training.

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Doubtful that the GAR would let him retain that kinds of role. If he were going into operations or training they might retain him, but they have people who have trained all of their lives for that position. Literally.

He didn't become a real adviser like the one for Delta Squad, but sort of like a mentor.

I'll revise the story document with those suggestions in mind and then post it here.
« Last Edit: April 15, 2012, 02:40:24 AM by Commander Dimal »
*Text in my profile picture*

Durge: "You know, it's been over a century since I killed a Jedi… and today, I'll get to kill four of you. Add that to the Gungans I already murdered, the hostages I'm going to kill later, and all the Naboo who will die tomorrow, and it's a damn good week."

RC-1499

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Re: Special Operations Clones
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2012, 11:51:07 PM »
Oh, and that's Drake. He does things like that. He also hates life, the universe, and everyone in it. Have fun!

Commander Dimal

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Re: Special Operations Clones
« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2012, 05:38:45 AM »
Oh, and that's Drake. He does things like that. He also hates life, the universe, and everyone in it. Have fun!

I hate the world too.
*Text in my profile picture*

Durge: "You know, it's been over a century since I killed a Jedi… and today, I'll get to kill four of you. Add that to the Gungans I already murdered, the hostages I'm going to kill later, and all the Naboo who will die tomorrow, and it's a damn good week."

RC-1499

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Re: Special Operations Clones
« Reply #5 on: April 19, 2012, 08:09:34 AM »
Yes. But you do not hate on the level of Drake.

Drake Vhett

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Re: Special Operations Clones
« Reply #6 on: April 19, 2012, 03:39:19 PM »
Children, it's not a contest.


Drake is flamboyant, and may go over the top, but if he were not that extrovert then who would move things along?

Commander Dimal

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Re: Special Operations Clones
« Reply #7 on: April 19, 2012, 07:35:48 PM »
Does being a misanthrope count? Anyway, I should have the new version of the story overview up pretty soon.
*Text in my profile picture*

Durge: "You know, it's been over a century since I killed a Jedi… and today, I'll get to kill four of you. Add that to the Gungans I already murdered, the hostages I'm going to kill later, and all the Naboo who will die tomorrow, and it's a damn good week."

Commander Dimal

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Re: Special Operations Clones
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2012, 09:07:04 PM »
Sorry about the double post but, I now have the story overview fixed and it is ready to be read. As of now I currently need ideas for names for the following characters:

The Mandalorian woman Dahcik met
Alpha Elite
Beta and Cetus Elite
The eighth SOC Unit
And maybe the real name of "The Destroyer", so we'd have something else to call him as well.
*Text in my profile picture*

Durge: "You know, it's been over a century since I killed a Jedi… and today, I'll get to kill four of you. Add that to the Gungans I already murdered, the hostages I'm going to kill later, and all the Naboo who will die tomorrow, and it's a damn good week."